I became a recruiter out of necessity. I was an IT manager and a TAC Manger and then a Consultant Manager, and through these last few roles I was always called upon to do my own recruiting. It was easier for me to get the Monster ID and password from HR than it was to explain what I needed. So, after so many years of doing this on my own it changed my career. But now it looks like I am going to have to open a dating service for CCIEs. This need is born of the same mother of invention that made me the CCIE Agent.
Recruiting is often like herding cats. If you have never had more than three cats in your responsibility at one time, then you don’t know. I mean cats are great for stuff like ignoring you, allowing burglars to take stuff they don’t use, urinating in places you cannot locate, and running in different directions. CCIEs are like that if you are scheduling interviews for more than one in a day.
So, you get them lined up and they can’t find the cell phone charger, or the server room has no signal, or they forgot, or they found a new place to urinate. But the work is what we signed up for as recruiters. Yet these geeks are all the same when it comes to the opposite sex. Guys or gals, they seem inept at completing sentences or putting fork to mouth gracefully. So, when a lucky geek finds a mate it is a long courtship, even after the wedding. The geek who survived jocks and operating systems changes once married or in courtship now loses the ability to make a decision. Yup, it’s true, all gone. The same synapsis that once triggered mental responses in the form of decision making has now combined with another being to form an indecisive lump of meat. What was once a snap, the simple use of two or three letters to form an answer like yes or no, vanished with the new-found libido. As we age we are faced with a slack jawed zombie force of geeks that can only answer, “Let me ask my-” wife, husband, fiancé, or Magic Eight Ball. I don’t care who they are turning to, the answer is often long in coming. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I get my share of wives, fiancés, and moms asking me to help save their marriages by getting their geek a job. These proactive lovers of geeks who find life without their geeks to be unendurable are my best friends.
BLUGEON THEM LIKE A BABY HARP SEAL
I do get pissed off sometimes, you might not be able to tell but it happens. The delay in yes or no or that search for a place to urinate makes me uneasy. Why? Well, opportunity only knocks once. I heard that somewhere and I would like to quote someone, but I have a limited time on this earth so research is off the table. I to, often do want to raise club to forehead and just take the zombie face off of the geek in question. I guess I would get a bad rap for that so I remain docile and try to avoid drugs and airplane glue. Seriously though, there is a need to move when opportunity knocks. If you like the job, then do what you do when you buy the new iPhone each time one comes out. “Sorry honey but I really needed to grab it when I did. I mean it was so shiny and new.” You make a decision, you sign the offer, you go home and lie to honey. Simple, right? “NO, NO, NO, NO? I am calling your mother.” says Honey.
Then I get the call…
Ring, Ring, Ring
Hello, this is Eman.
er Hi, Eman. Honey said, “no.”
What! You cannot say no now, you signed the contract, doubled your salary and have a signing bonus. What did Honey find wrong with that?
Honey called my Mom.
Damn, I hate when that happens. So, what do you want me to do now?
Can you call Mom? Please!
Damn, I hate moms! Ok, what’s her number?
Ring, Ring, Ring
Hi, is this Geek’s Mom?
Did you tell Honey it was alright for Geek to renege on the contract?
Damn, woman don’t you know I’m working here?
er I mean. Do you mind if my mom calls you?
In the world of recruiting you have to do what you have to do. Yes, my mom saved the day. I was really upset about it, but I got paid so it felt good to rub money on the wound.
NO MORE HONEYS! Damn it...
I really don’t think any CCIE should get married before I find them a job. This would fix problems like global warming, hunger, A.D.D., and finding places for geeks to pee. So here’s the deal. I will act as matchmaker for free to any CCIE who lets me find them a job. I mean, think about it: a great paying job and your own Honey! Really, what could be better?
No charge, just sign on the dotted line. You should know by now that I know everyone. I was dating Beyonce for a while. Her gal pals are still on the loose somewhere, after Destiny’s Child broke up.
So, at least two of you lucky CCIEs will have screamers on your hands. Seriously, who else is offering a service like this? I don’t need any more Honeys telling my Geeks what to do, so let’s make a plan. When I call you, don’t make me ask if there is a Honey. Just tell me up front that “Frau Blucher” is listening. We will talk in code, and then when you go pee call me back. Honey does let you do that alone, right?
PUT THE SEAT UP!
We have a strange phenomenon in the world of IT. I would like to call this week-kneed-
slack-jawed-disease. But that’s already taken. No? What do you call that thing we do when Mom calls Honey? Maybe we will just call it that anyway. Sorry, but that’s my property now. So, when you are at home with Honey, introduce me. I am good with Honeys. I will interview Honey first and tell you what she says. I can help with a divorce attorney as well. So, make up your mind and we will act. Don’t call Mom and don’t call mine. Just work it out with me and we will both be happy. Remember, I know Beyonce’s gal pals; her mom called me and is complaining about them!