Hideously deformed by an experiment as part of a US Government project in the 1960s Red Grease was forced to live out his days in obscurity. As a singer in the defunct band Sha Na Na he had been accustomed to and destined for greater things. After the high dose of gamma radiation and a cocktail of mind altering drugs he was left both deformed and altered mentally. Rather than succumb to bitterness and social rejection he decided to change the course of his life (some now say history). He visited his local hardware store and purchased what he thought at the time to be a simple household item. Little did he know that this role of silver duct tape would change human kind forever! After several attempts this maniacal calamity and the roll of duct tape transformed him into, “Shiny Duck Tape Man”.

Red was able to locate a small obscure home in the suburbs of Washington DC where he established the head quarters of SMTP (SHINEY MEN of TAPE P). Because of the housing slump he was given a really good deal since the founder of Microsoft could no longer handle the balloon mortgage as the interest rates grew and Windows 7 forced him to dump all his money into new call centers in India, Poland and New Jersey. All places where their accents provided a defense against solving the issues his operating system spawned.

It was not long before the Joint Chiefs answered Red’s ad on Craig’s List looking for a super hero who could defeat the powers of doom and restore internet connectivity to Iran. After checking out Google Earth and getting a small business loan he was ready for his first case.

 

The case of the missing BRAIN!

Red Grease had a problem. He had his small business loan, thank god the banks were lending again! He had his mission thanks to the internet savvy Join Chiefs of Staff and Craig’s List. Red had his head quarters thanks to Bill Gates, but he did not have a sidekick and this troubled him. No self respecting super hero went into dangerous assignments alone. Who would fetch his papers? Who would take a bullet for him? Who would help bring down the evil doers of this world by Red’s side? Who would read the instructions to his secret agent gadgets? Who would fetch his pipe? Who would be his Robin, his Kato, his Mini Me? So he posted an ad on Craig’s List for a courageous worldly smart sidekick. Soon he was doing interviews and reading resumes. He narrowed it down to six from the half dozen responses he received for this unpaid position!

The interview day found Red in the company of these brave few.

Barney Fife had been the side kick of a sheriff in the small town of Mayberry RFD. Mayberry was a city where Barney and his boss had whittled down the petty crimes of many high school students and a town drunk notorious for passing out and drooling in public places. His single bullet had been the major argument for gun control in America. On the day of the interview Red discovered the picture he had received with the resume was actually air brushed to remove approximately 80 years from his appearance. After losing his grip on his walker Barney fell face down on the pavement in front of Red’s head quarters discharging his revolver and killing four innocent bystanders. Red was impressed by the savage display of marksmanship but Barney died of his injuries.

Bouncy Knowles notorious for abandoning two helpless singers in the prime of their careers to wither and die in the public eye, was well known as the ex-gal pal of Eman the CCIE Agent™. After being dumped by him, she turned to a life of music and fun, singing such hits as, “Gonna Cut You Eman’, and “Gonna Call Network World”. She fell down the steps as she was shaking Red’s hand and has since fallen many times in public places. Alcohol was never a factor so Red had to turn her down. She would only leave after getting Eman’s new cell number.

AbdulabanaridunhaI Raj El Habanero aka “Benny the Geek” came from a small desert town known by many for debauchery and lawlessness. Dubai was heralded by many as the place to be seen, lucky for Benny because his extremely large head made him a spectacle. Red found this to be a potential diversion from his own attention grabbing shininess, so he asked him a few questions. Benny was a great listener… Benny how tall are you? To this Benny responded, “What?” Benny how tall is you? “What?” From the ground to the top of your head how high is it? “What? Are you insulting me?” No No I am asking how tall you are? “If this is going to get personal I am going to kill you Red!” Benny calm down let’s move on. Do you know the way to San Jose? “Ahh, San Jose. Yes I have been many times trying to pass the CCIE Lab.” Are you a CCIE now? “What? I did not know you needed a CCIE for this job.” Benny you said you have been to San Jose to take the Lab right? “I was trying to lose a hat size by failing the OEQs” To this Red responded, “What?” Benny replied, “What?” and Red moved on to the next candidate promising Benny a date with Bouncy!

Spiderman? Yup SPIDERMAN! After a string of great stories and a couple of ok movies Spiderman needed a change. He had been drinking heavily with MJ and she was pregnant. Faced with another illegitimate child he had to find a job. How was a man supposed to compete with Doc Oc after all he has all those arms! So he web crawled his way into Red’s mansion sneaking up on Red in his pajamas. Red was watching reruns of Batman as he attempted to learn about being a super hero. Spiderman soon learned that the job did not pay well, err at all really and he left in a huff. Red was severely disappointed, the candidates were swiftly dwindling.

The Storm Trooper aka Stormy was out of work and down on his luck. Sequels and Prequels had him so mixed up he didn’t know if he was coming or going. His interview will go down in the annals of history as the most poignant in Red’s career. Red asked, “Stormy why are you looking for a new job?” Stormy replied, “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Excuse me?” Red replied. More loudly, “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Stormy it appears your helmet is muffling your responses. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Red attempted to help Stormy off with his helmet by using an electric drill. He drilled a small hole in Stormy’s eye and the interviewed was toast. Stormy started shouting “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” and stumbling around the mansion while Red continued his interviews.

Sheik Yabbudie looked odd at first but thanks to Red’s heightened sense of awareness (enhanced by the hallucinogenic experiments conducted on him in the 1960s at Woodstock), he could tell this was an android. There was even a bit of lint made to look like a booger on his mustache to make him look human. Red was desperate so he decided to ask a few questions of this oddity before him. “Sheik why are you looking for a job?”, Red asked. To this Red was surprised to hear, “I am a robot I do not need a job.” Why then was he here? Red was confused as the android then stood to leave. “Hey man I need a side kick maybe you should reconsider” after all Red was desperate. “I am looking for a brain”, replied android Sheik. It seemed like everyone needed a brain and Red began to realize the epidemic of missing brains was actually a pandemic!

The day was a waste and Red was pooped. It was Miller time so he grabbed a cold brew purchased with his small business loan and it was then that he heard sounds coming from his basement. This was his private lair so he was immediately concerned. He took the stairs two at a time as he descended into the Duck Tape Dungeon of Doom and Stuff. This is where he planned on keeping really important things that his small business loan would buy. He was shocked to see Stormy stumbling about seemingly dazed and confused. “Stormy what are you doing in my basement?” Red asked. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!”, Stormy replied. “Are you still going on about that little hole in your eye?” Red was ashamed for Stormy’s shallow pain threshold. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” cried Stormy. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Red realized then that he had a real prize here. His small business loan would be expanded if he hired Stormy. He was mute and blind in one eye so he qualified as a handicap. Stormy also knew sign language so he really could tell people what he was thinking!

So ends the story of the Missing Brain and begins the story of Shiny Duck Tape Man and Stormy his sidekick!

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The Case of the Missing Brain; The Pandemic on the Rise!

There are dangerous places in the world today. There are places of such dark and evil intent that only Landsbankinn the most unsuccessful bank in Iceland would put an ATM there. Living in the Amazon with their krona worth less than rocks, the locals in the town began stealing fire stones from each other’s homes until a fierce battle ensued. Half of the 24 inhabitants of Pelicula Tonto were left bruised or mildly upset by this horrible rise in the crime rate, so they did what many people do in times of crisis. They turned to Craig’s List for help and found Shiny Duck Tape Man! (well his email address anyway)

Our story finds our heroes reading their email…

“Mmff nnff oh grunf!” What’s that Stormy? Your eye again? Please just go get a Q-Tip and soak it in Kerosene and poke it in there. I told you we got all this really cool stuff because I claimed I was paying you to work for me. The Small Business Administration loves me for hiring a handicapped Storm Trooper. We need to figure out how to make you limp at least a little when you walk that will get us a 40 inch plasma TV.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf!” You are right Stormy we need to help these poor people ravaged by crime in Pelicula Tonto. How do you suppose we get there? Are they going to pay for our travels? What in blazes have you responded to them? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Our usual fee? Stormy what exactly is our usual fee?

→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→→

Stormy what am I supposed to do with that? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” You animal, I refuse to accept those kinds of payments. We have a loan to repay and investors to honor. I am appalled that you would even think of such a thing. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Stop it. I will not give you a can opener you would only hurt her. If I must bring my drill I will. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Ok calm down Stormy I will let you handle the billing just this once but we have to get going to get thru the thickest part of the Amazon Jungle, through the densest forest on this planet to reach Pelicula Tonto. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” San Jose? Stormy that’s the other Amazon, the one that sell books and stuff on the internet. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” What? I beg to differ, yes you are most certainly going and that’s final. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No the girl stays behind. I refuse to be responsible for a Storm Trooper prostitute on a dangerous case. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Shut up about your pay I have bought important stuff that we really need. In fact I am thinking of getting your band back together so we can cut a few new songs and sell them on iTunes. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yup I got Sam and Tom to agree to a recording deal.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Can she sing? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Are you sure? Wait I think I heard her before. Have you been seeing her already? Was that her last night? I thought that was a moose! “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Shut up I don’t want to know, a gentleman never kisses and tells. Now pack your things we are headed for the jungle. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?”

The flight to South America was stalled for over an hour as the pilot circled Atlantic City. There was something strange afoot and a vortex seemed to grip the flight in its clutches. “This is your campin shpeekin. Flasten the shleetbelts, (burp) stewardess bring me an air shickness bag and a martini” the pilot was heard announcing before he engaged the auto pilot and the flight leveled off and turned south. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Yeah Stormy, that was strange. How much were these tickets? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” That was a good deal. We land near Pelucla Tonto, right? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes I can ride a donkey as long as it’s a short ride. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” What? 250 miles? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” No I am not going to walk. Now shut up and let me get some sleep. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!”

The jungle is a living and breathing thing it sweats in the broiling hot climate under the relentless sun of South America. Down below the dark and dank ceiling of trees under the second and third canopies of growth struggle our heroes. The donkeys were great as an appetizer and main course, after riding for hours without food…. we over hear our Super Heroes….

“Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Oh quit going on about that girl already Stormy she would have been dead by now. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” No I would not have eaten her like we did the donkeys; we needed the food to survive. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” I know it went bad quickly that’s why we killed the second one. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” I swear I am going to have to take a rock to your helmet again if you don’t stop that infernal whining. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Ok you win here’s my last beef jerky. How did you know I had it anyway? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.”

They walked for what must have been minutes into the darkest reaches of a ravine before Stormy said, “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Why do you want to go back? We have only been here for one day so far. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” It’s my tent, if you wanted to sleep in a tent you should have packed one. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” I did not buy you a back pack because you had a perfectly good trash bag to load your gear into. Do I look like I am made of money? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Don’t start with the pay argument again. I stated clearly in the ad on Craig’s List that I needed an intern. They don’t get paid in my country. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” I don’t care what they did on the Dethstar. If you liked the place so much why did you sleep in my basement for so long? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Oh stop it with the eye thing I will buy you an eye patch when you start billing properly. What are we supposed to use for it your gal pal’s brazier? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Shut up and walk.

They soon befriended a heard of large Chihuahua looking creatures. They were big and worked great as high-speed pack animals and after Red had been mauled by several of them Stormy road away looking for help. Red was left to contemplate his life and the many red ants now trying to carry him away.

Red walked alone for the rest of the day when he came upon the wreck of a scientific vessel on the banks of the Amazon River (at least that’s what we’re going to call the river for now). He was so surprised to learn that this wreck was only yards away from Pelicula Tonto. He approached the ship wreck with caution. His Shinny Duck Tape sensors were screaming an alarm in his ears. He was certain he recognized the shrill cry of a Tookie Tookie bird in the dense foliage he smiled knowing he would be able to feed himself before it got dark. He boarded the ship wreck following his nose he forced open the first door he found. There was an awful smell emanating from the room and he was surprised to find his trusty sidekick.

Stormy what are you doing here? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” I will not shut the door until you tell me what’s going on here. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No I don’t expect you to finish. Oh alright, it stinks in here anyway! Don’t forget to flush twice I have to go too!

Soon they approached the village and were happy to use the ATM machine they found. It was not often that you could get this kind of service in the jungle after all. They approached a small group of laughing children. “Where can we find a Kentucky Fried Chicken?” Red asked. He was struck by a stone and then a volley of rockes forced them on their heels. They ran for their very lives. Stormy was protected by his armor from the worst of the rock throwing hostiles. “Why the ring leader must have been all of 10 years old.” Reds groused. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Ok Stormy you win, let’s go home.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Stormy please don’t start with the “I told you so””

Red and Stormy returned to the states where they would someday solve a case, any case and maybe even find a brain!

Stay tuned next time when Stormy files for unemployment!

---

Red Grease and the Unemployment Office

Things at the HQ of SMTP are not going well. So far Shiny Duck Tape Man and Stormy had two cases and they owed refunds to the both the Joint Chiefs of Staff and a Storm Trooper Prostitute. The people from Pelicula Tonto were filing suit against the dynamic pair of heroes because they had broken the town’s only ATM machine and the bank in Iceland was refusing to repair it. Times were bleak and Stormy decided to try his luck at the unemployment office.

Our heroes are deep in conspiratorial conversation…

I am telling you all I have to do is shoot one little bullet into your thigh and we can claim further disability Stormy. There are stimulus dollars available for Super Heroes especially if they are handicapped! If you were a quadriplegic Storm Trooper I could collect nearly a million dollars for having you on my staff. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Stormy where did you learn to talk like that? I have half a mind to fire you for such insubordinate language you dolt. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Don’t start with the pay thing again. You are an intern and we don’t have a budget for intern salaries. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” We do so have a budget Stormy. Now please let me shoot you just once. Please! “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Final? What do you mean final! I have given you a great home here and all you have to thank me with is foul language and you poor behavior. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Bed? Stormy your armor is padded on the inside what in blazes do you need a bed for? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Those mattresses are expensive. I really don’t see how they can afford them at NASA.

Now hold still while I get my Colt 45. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes it makes only a small hole if I miss the bone. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Unemployment? Why didn’t I think of that? Stormy you are a genius! Let’s drive down there together. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Of course I am not filing. That would be undignified. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” I am sure you have some dignity too, but you probably left it back on the Deathstar. Now grab my Shiny Duck Tape Man coat and let’s hop in the Shiny Duck Tape Car. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Drive? Stormy when did you get a license. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” You bought one where? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Wal-Mart does not sell drivers licenses. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Qatar? Stormy who told you…arrgh never mind go ahead and drive. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” You’re welcome.

As they approached the Department of Labor offices Stormy became reticent…“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No you look fine I don’t think you need a tie to fill out the paperwork. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Don’t be worried Stormy you will do just fine. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” The Deathstar probably sent your withholdings to the US. Where else would they send it? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Iceland? No way Stormy krona is worthless remember Pelicula Tonto? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.”

Yeah I remember the ATM fees were more than the money we drew out. What country would put a herring on a bill anyway? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yeah those were the good old days Stormy! I remember them well. Whatever happened with that girl Stormy? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yeah her. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Dancing? She could dance and sing? We really do need to get your band back together! “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yeah she can join just get some money from these public servants first. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Thanks Stormy it’s nice of you to say so. I am going right out and buying you that Gibson Flying V you always wanted as soon as we get your first check. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” yeah the one with the nice wood grain. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Don’t cry Stormy it makes the hole in your eye infected. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yeah I have a tissue. Now get out of the car and slay them! “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No leave your rifle here it’s only an expression.

Soon there was a commotion outside of the federal building and Red’s nap in the car was rudely interrupted. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Bail? Stormy what did you do? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Captain Kirk? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Don’t be foolish. Kirk was washed up before you were in your first prequel. What did you do to him? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Shaved his eyebrows? He’s an old fat guy what is he going to do without eyebrows? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I am sure your mother never told you to shave Kirk’s eyebrows off. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No I am not calling you a liar. Forget this nonsense and tell me did you do this before or after you filed your paperwork? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Good. Then in about 6 weeks I will be able to bail you out of jail. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yeah it works that fast, we really do have a good system here in the US. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Deathstar? I don’t see why they would not provide good benefits. Most of you got killed off right? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No I am not making fun of you. Which episode are you referring to? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yeah I saw it. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Santa? He was here? I have to go inside the building he might be able to help us. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Of course I believe in Santa let me call you back.

So many Storm Troopers and so little time. Red was able to speak with Santa and he granted him three wishes. His heart swelled as he asked for a new guitar for Stormy and ten million krona as well as one night on the town with Stormy’s mom before Stormy was released! (and this time he did have a can opener!) What a lovely smile, don’t you think?

---

Shiny Duck Tape Man and Stormy – A Gerbil in the Republican Guard

There are many honors that can be bestowed on a man and after Stormy’s mom also named Stormy had left for Aruba Red was still aglow. He almost missed the call on his Shiny Duck Tape Phone. Clad in only his skivvies he ran down into the Shiny Duck Tape Dungeon of Doom and Stuff to answer the call. It was Michelle Obama asking him for his help.

Red is that you?

Yes it is me.

Can you hear me now?

Yes I can hear you now. Please feel free to say whatever you like. I have a jamming device I am about to engage that will ensure no bug will pick up our conversation.

Turn it on Red we have top secret business to discuss.

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Did you get that Red?

Sorry Michelle but the static was overpowering and I wet myself.

Ok Red I am coming over please take a shower and prepare the Cone of Silence you bought on eBay.

You know about that?

We know everything Red!

Stormy?

Yes, both of them.

I will take a shower now.

Good. I will get the driver to drop me off with my 2 secret service agents.

Make tea?

Yes make tea.

Thanks

You are welcome.

Red was missing Stormy his sidekick dreadfully now. He had taken him cigarettes because Red had heard that cigarettes were the currency of jails and prisons. He bought Virginia Slims because they were longer and thinner and they would probably make everyone remember the women they had left back home. Now Red paced his yard and was delighted to see the black limousine pulling into his driveway carrying the 1st Lady. Her security detail had already sent a pair of uniformed police on horseback to secure the area. They stationed themselves at the entrance to SMTP HQ.

As the car rolled to a stop the doors were opened and Red was shocked to see Stormy step out of the vehicle. He immediately stepped in a doggy landmine. But Red didn’t care. Stormy was back and he had only spent 19 of his 21 days in the slammer. Red was so excited he immediately ordered Stormy to make tea for the 1st Lady.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Stormy asked the 1st Lady. To this she replied, “Yes Stormy please call me Michelle”. “I will have the English Breakfast Tea thank you.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Your mother?” She replied, “You flatter me too much Stormy.”

I have asked you two to meet me today because there is a situation of the most vital importance we could not respond publicly to your ad in Craig’s List. There has been a mole in the Republican Guard for over two years working for the CIAR.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?”

Yes Stormy you are right the R is for rejects. Under the current administration in Washington we do not kill the spies who washout of spy school. Instead we try to use them wherever and whenever we can. We started the CIAR to stop the killing of the rejects in hopes that their failures will result in gathering more intelligence.

Michelle

Red please call me Mrs President.

Mrs. President I am curious about a few things. May I ask a few questions?

No Red. We are going to brief Stormy in exactly 30 seconds. Please leave the room and we will keep you informed on a, “Need-to-Know” basis. Understand?

Mrs. President that was my ad on Craig’s List! I feel put off.

You will have to deal with that yourself Red. Stormy and I have a briefing starting now.

Mmff nnff oh grunf?

“More tea? Crumpets? Ok Stormy I will get them right away.” Red replied as he was hustled from the room by one of the 1st Lady’s agents.

Stormy there is a problem with our mole in the Republican Guard, he is… “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” How did you know about him? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Well your little bird better lay low because the fact that you know our mole is a gerbil puts you both at risk. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Oh Stormy you are so brave I am glad you are one of the good guys. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” A Virginia Slim? Yes thank you. First let me get rid of my guards. I hate for them to tell Barak about me smoking. He has his own problems to deal with. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Stormy you don’t need to kill them I will just send them out to water board Red Grease. Is that OK? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Mr. Bubble? How ingenious. We will try it and let you know how it works.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Stormy I think that is a reasonable request. I will have Barak send over Air Force One right away. Just make sure Red does not sit on the leather he might stick to it and we have already replaced a few seats because of Bush and Cheney’s beer guzzling games.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Stop it Stormy you are such a lovely flirt.

Stormy soon had hotel reservations and escorts setup for the trip into Backwardestan a small village just over the border where he would rendezvous with several local militias to plan the mission that would save the CIAR gerbil and the free world.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Stormy, of course I am still mad. This is my moment to shine and you stole it from me. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Virginia Slims? Those cigarettes were supposed to help you survive while in jail. I would never have given them to you if I thought you would bribe a prisoner to get an audience with the 1st Lady! “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Swiss bank account? How am I supposed to get to the money and pay our bills. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” A new contract? Stormy you are killing me with this whole caper. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Hurt your feelings? Damn it Stormy. I was water boarded and refused inclusion in our planning for this case. The 1st Lady won’t talk to me because of what I said while under the influence of some diabolical bubble bath torture. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” My hair? Your idea? Stormy whose side are you on? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Need to know? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Oh forget it. As long as we are in the air I will have a nap. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” A beer? I am not the intern here! “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Ok! Ok, if for no other reason than the success of this mission I will get you a beer. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” You’re welcome.

The apoplectic duo was on the ground in Indian country and they could hear hostile exchanges of gun fire and explosives. The last thing Red needed was another hole in his head. The biggest one, his mouth, had gotten him into enough trouble already.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Stormy you really think we need to draw attention to ourselves by visiting every disco in this city? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Gerbils hang out at discos? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I will follow your lead, after all Mrs. President did put me on a need to know basis. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I am not complaining as long as you pay your rent this month. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” What currency? Let me check when we get back. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.”

There were no gerbil discos in Backwardistan so they had to find the barracks of the Republican Guard instead. Getting close to the Republican Guards’ barracks was going to be hard to do, because they had sentries and electric fences surrounding their secret compound on the outskirts of Backwardistan. Red had to don a disguise to keep from drawing attention to himself. He split up from Stormy so they could approach the compound from different directions. Dressed as a woman Red was easily able to slip through the streets and alleys without attracting much attention. Suddenly Red was approached by a small creature on the street. The CIAR mole had blown his cover to get to Red so he could save Stormy. Stormy had made a pass at a transvestite Republican Guard and was now being held at gunpoint by her err him err it. What was Red supposed to do? He was without his protective Shiny Duck Tape Man armor and dressed as a woman. He had to do something so he threw caution to the wind and called for backup. The CIAR had assets just across the border and they could be here quickly. Meanwhile the CIAR gerbil mole would sneak around behind the Republican Guard holding Stormy prisoner and try an old sleight of hand taught him by the famous Inspector Clouseau. Mole was as good as his word and Stormy was only slightly injured in the exchange. They bid a hasty retreat as Red created a diversion doing the Macarena in the middle of the town square. After making sure he had picked up all the coins tossed to him he curtseyed and ran for the hills.

Stormy can you hear me? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I know it is hard to talk but you have to stay conscious for a little longer. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” The number for the Swiss Bank Account. You must give it to me in case you do not survive. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” You gave it to who? Why? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I know she’s your mother. “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” I only took her out to dinner once Stormy don’t go on about it. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Marry? Why in blazes would I marry her? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I just need to pay some bills Stormy please! “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.”

Our heroes had saved the day finally and Red was soon to be engaged!

---

Hideously deformed by an experiment as part of a US Government project in the 1960s Red Grease was forced to live out his days in obscurity. As a singer in the defunct band Sha Na Na he had been accustomed to and destined for greater things. After the high dose of gamma radiation and a cocktail of mind altering drugs, he was left both deformed and altered mentally. Rather than succumb to bitterness and social rejection he decided to change the course of his life (some now say history). He visited his local hardware store and purchased what he thought at the time to be a simple household item. Little did he know that this role of silver duct tape would change human kind forever! After several attempts this maniacal calamity and the roll of duct tape transformed him into, “Shiny Duck Tape Man”. These are HIS true stories.

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Shiny Duck Tape Man and Stormy and Stormy and Mole - LAST DANCE

We find our happy crime fighters enjoying a day at home. Let’s listen…

Stormy she never smiles at me; no matter what I do she frowns. What am I supposed to do? I am trying to make this work. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes but you frown because you aren’t having any fun in your life. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Video games are just a way to hide from your emotions Stormy. You need to get out and enjoy life. . “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes and spend some money. You have so much since you saved that infernal Gerbil from the Republican Guards. I cannot imagine what kind of secrets he brought out with him. Michelle was so generous. How much did she pay you anyway? . “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Need to know? Stormy I am tired of the same old argument from you. I do need to know. How am I supposed to run this company if I don’t know what we are making? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Ten million! My word Stormy that’s a lot of money for one caper. When can I expect a share? . “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” I gave you the biggest bedroom in the house and let your mom move in and that rat you adopted from the CIAR. I have been good to you Stormy! “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” She does not want her own room. She insists on sleeping with me. I cannot take another beating at her hands denying her half my bed. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Your dad? Your dad was a test tube you idiot. . “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Sorry I won’t call you that again I promise. RING RING RING RING Let me get the phone this time Stormy. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I don’t think it’s your pizza the red phone is for important business. “Hello”, Red spoke into the phone. Who? Hold on. Stormy, do you know a fellow who calls himself Gumpa? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes just Gumpa. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Here take it.

 

Stormy was soon in deep conversation on the red phone “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Stormy was excited and he continued to talk and listen as the caller continued to entertain him on the phone. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.”

Stormy who was that? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Your grandpa. Really? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” No. I have always suspected that cloning eliminated any family tree. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes I know I have family in Jaquasstan many generations of Grease live there still. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I get your point. What is Gumpa doing these days? . “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” NASA? I thought they retired all their crash test dummies! “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” He must be pretty good then. Will he be stopping around? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” He what? I am not acceptable? His daughter? Wait Stormy are you trying to tell me I have broken up the family? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” We are the same species just conceived differently. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” My tape is for protection, mine and yours. If you could see how hideous I was before the duct tape you would not say such a thing. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Well I cannot see how thousands of siblings would side with the old bastard and turn against you and your mom. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes I agreed it’s probably for the better. Most storm troopers are bad, but you and your mom are good people. You should be proud. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” You are buying a new car? For me? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I love you too Stormy.

 

Soon Stormy was on the internet. He was ready to get the band back together and he knew Red Grease was connected to the old music business machine. So he went shopping for new gear. Red had generously bought Stormy a brand new Gibson Flying V, the guitar of Stormy’s dreams with part of his small business loan. So all that was left was to find a guitar Red liked and to call the band members. We soon find Stormy in the London underground, heading for Abby Road Studios.

When you were kids you all looked so cute Stormy. Your mom must have been so proud. What did the other guys say when you called them to get together for practice? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” What. Stormy don’t cry it’s alright we will get you a better band together now that the yolk of the Dark Side has been lifted from your shoulders. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Really you will be just fine. I am sure your mom can still play the keyboard. Does she sing? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Oh sorry Stormy I had no idea the apple fell so far from the tree. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” No I am not making fun you are just sensitive after the whole Gumpa and band incidents. Let’s forget the past and take stock of who we can call up for a little jam session.

Well I have called everyone I know. Paul Simon is mad at Art Garfunkel even after all these years they won’t even discuss a jam with us, The E Street Band has been busy touring New Jersey. Heck New Jersey is so small they should be done in a week! But no I cannot even get Bruce on the phone. Led Zeppelin broke up and then they started dying so did Pink Floyd! So all we have left are like two Beatles and Darth Brookes. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Oh it’s Darth Vader again won’t you stop it! “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Oh Garth Brooks so why did he say he was coming over? “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Yes he said his name was Darth Brookes and insisted on coming over to hear you and your mom play some songs. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Damn! I should have known.
He is still out to get you both for leaving the Clone Mafia. The sequels and prequels are over why can’t he let bygones be bygones? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Not his way? What am I supposed to do if he kills your mom? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” No I am not or I can’t, it’s covered in shiny duck tape!

JOIN RED GREASE NEXT TIME WHEN THEY GO TO WAR WITH DARTH BROOKES!

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Shiny Duck Tape Man and the Battle for…….. Never Mind

Stormy we have to talk. . “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I don’t care if you don’t feel like talking. You must listen and end that clone tendency to simply die and let others keep fighting. Remember there are only two of you now, plus me and that ridiculous gerbil your mom takes to bed with us each night. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” . “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I am not going down that rat hole with you now Mole is not the reason I am trying to make you listen. The man cut off his own son’s arm. What do you think he will do to you and your mum? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I refuse to believe he can beat you on your own ground. This is your home now and we are a family just think about our many great adventures and how we have made the world safer. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes he will kill you and me and your mum and Mole without a second thought. The Death Star maybe out of business for now but remember all those clone brothers and sisters of yours? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” The reason you don’t see them hanging around looking for temporary work anymore is because they found work. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes they did they went back to their old ways and like the lemmings they resemble they have been helping Darth rebuild some semblance of an empire. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” What you need to do is come up with a plan to make him come to you. To select the battle of your choosing, your own Kobayashi Maru. . “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Yes we can call Captain Kirk I just need to figure out which one at this point. The old one had been upset with you since you shaved his eyebrows at the Storm Trooper convention. The new one is chasing green women in Brazil. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yeah he is still doing that ever since he discovered Spock was getting real friendly with Ohura. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes pointy ears and an afro will look nice together, but their children are not the point! We need a plan. What are you good at? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Snowballs are out, Ice dancing is not going to work, arm wrestling is not your strongest suit, Line Dancing will only humiliate you after all there are only three of us, Gardening is out, Chess is a good idea let’s hold that thought, battle of the bands might work. Now that really might work remember that guy Charlie Daniels? He had a run in with the devil. The Devil Went Down to Georgia, I think it was. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Right Stormy he did kick his butt. Does Darth Brooks play well? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Ok he is washed up, I get it maybe we play some really heavy metal stuff and take advantage of his advanced years. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” A plan is forming you’re right Stormy a plan that will need soldiers to be successful. Quick Stormy let’s go out on Craig’s List and place an ad for musical soldiers who have fought or danced with the devil!

Soon the applicant list had been compiled and interviews were to be scheduled at the SMTP HQ.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Stormy that’s Spock he was before your time. Him, and some fat guy, who sold you those really awful seats for us to fly to Pelicula Tonto, used to roam the universe. You see Spock was like Yoda except uglier. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yeah before Darth. Why? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” He applied for the job to join us? What does he look like now? Is he incontinent? How about this one he looks good? He actually defeated the devil in Georgia once remember? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Of course I am going to call Charlie, but let’s go through the rest of these applicants first. Craig’s List is always so good for us. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No Stormy that’s Steven Tyler he just looks like the devil. Why does he frighten you? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yeah he does scare me too. I think he could swallow a Volkswagen beetle with a mouth like that. We will short list him as well. Who else do we have here? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Right, we do need at least one band mate who can shoot a gun. Let’s choose carefully. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” That’s an interesting looking prospect. Does she have any musical talent Stormy? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” I think your question is valid. If she already comes with guns attached like that maybe her contribution can be made without her singing. Let’s put her on the short list. Good call Stormy. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Who? Stormy I thought you were over her. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Don’t be silly I know you need love too. But after the way she treated you and the various women I have seen trooping in and out of your end of the house I figured you were over her. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No, I am not going to tell her and no, I am not your dad and yes, I do care. Call her maybe she has one of those light saber thingys or something. Can you trust her though? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Must I remind you that my girl is your mom? If she even catches me looking in the direction of a crowd that has a single female in it she gets jealous. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Your real dad is dead for all you know. The Death Star is not a kind place to live from what I have heard. So shut up about my girl, err your mom, damn it all, just stick to the topic for once. You are in trouble and I am trying to help keep you and your mom alive. Do you think for a moment Darth is going to simply waltz in here and be nice? Take a cup of tea? Stormy he is coming here to kill you and my sweetheart. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” You’re welcome now who is next?

What’s that mole? Look out side? Stormy come here and have a look. Our yard is beginning to draw a strange crowd. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Did you call for help already? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Mole? Was that you? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” He says yes Stormy he was trying to help. Apparently Darth Brooks plays only two kinds of music, Country and Western, so his legions have drifted without purpose since he converted from simply being evil to being evil and red neck. These are your allies Stormy. You should go out and say hello. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Oh Stormy don’t cry. You know how that makes your eye hurt. Just go shake a few hands and thank them. Darth is not going to kill you after all. Mole is quite a gerbil. I think we should keep him after all!

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Stormy I have never asked your mom about her past affairs. How was I supposed to know that group of nine troopers wants to kick my butt? She picked me after all right? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Don’t go in the yard? Do you mean to tell me after all I have been through with you that I am now going to have to watch my back? Jealous storm troopers, gerbils, moles, unrequited love, a lawn and house full of freaks. What am I supposed to do? Tell me Stormy what am I supposed to do? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?”

Tea? Sure why not!

---

Shiny Duck Tape Man and the Dawn of Blaine Awesome

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Stormy you answered your own question that time. It’s getting so you really don’t need company anymore you can just ask and answer yourself until you end up in a padded cell. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Board? Yes I am. Nothing seems to be making the Red Phone ring anymore. Michelle Obama has only called you for the occasional tea, but here I sit. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No we’re not out of work we are simply between assignments. You have kept the Craig’s List ad posted and fresh, right? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” There you go again, before I could answer your question you beat me to the punch. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Maybe we should just go into town and see what is going on. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Sure you can drive.

It was not long before our dynamic duo found themselves headed for a date with destiny.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” A carnival? Sure Stormy let’s go check it out. Look. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes Stromy, a hitch hiker. Let’s pick him up. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” I don’t know. He looks safe enough.

So the defenders of freedom pulled along the shoulder of the road and offered the stranger a ride.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Sotrmy asked the stranger. “Yes” he replied, “I would like a ride”. “Are you lost my friend?”, Red inquired. “No” replied the stranger, “I am running away from the carnival”. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Well you see the owner is not a nice guy”, he promised me a real good job and then after playing a clown for two weeks I was kidnapped and forced to work for nothing”. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Oh my name is Blaine, Blaine Awesome”. The heroic duo introduced themselves and soon they were exchanging stories of their quests with the intriguing stranger. They decided not to go to the carnival after all and took the intrepid stranger back to the HQ of SMTP. Soon they discovered that Blaine was a real business savvy clown. So they decided to ask him for help in running their business.

“Well first you need a good marketing strategy. What follows then is easy if you say the right things to the wrong people. “ Blaine said.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Stormy I think he is right. Remember when I upset Michelle and she paid you all that money to save mole? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes that’s right. I was the bad guy and you were the good guy, sort of like good cop bad cop.

You should diversify guys. The hero business in this bad economy has to be supplemented. It’s a lot easier to let someone be killed or maimed than to use up cell phone minutes trying to save them.” Blaine explained.

By Jove Stormy, I think he’s right. We can take our business and start making money on another industry. What shall we try? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.”

“Well Stormy I would say that you could make a living doing that but how many times a day can you do it?” Blaine’s wisdom was starting to show. “Maybe you should try renting out some of the other Strom Troopers to companies for consulting services.”

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Stormy I think he has something there. Blaine do you think Storm Troopers have a good market? Will they be accepted as experts at anything?

“There are demands and supply as my professor once explained to my class. If you impress people with how scarce Storm Troopers are then there will be a demand”, now Red and Stormy were really excited about the idea Blaine was sharing.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Good question Stormy, Blaine how much is in it for us?

“If you pay me 75% I will create a business plan and you two can do the placements”, Blaine explained. “Then I will make sure we get a lot of clients”.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “How?”, Blaine went on, “We will corner the market on Storm Troopers and even Darth Vader will have to come to us for them”. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Yes, bigger than the Death Star”, Blaine fancied out loud.

Now they began their work, Blaine contacted Darth to try and buy him out. Next he contacted the largest Storm Trooper employer and insulted their head honcho by offering to send her a 3rd grade teacher to show her he was the biggest clown on the planet.

Blaine do you think that email was really necessary? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” That’s right Stormy no one will call us back now. Should we have named our consultancy after a precious metal instead of an element? After all who is going to buy Strom Troopers from a company called, “Zinc Storm Troopers”?

“Red, you idiot”, Blaine explained. “You and Stormy are so dense that we could have called the company “Platinum or Gold and it would still have been a failure”. Blaine was just getting started. “I insulted the folks at Storm Trooper command to give us a challenge.” “After all, without a challenge what would life be worth?”

Now listen up Blaine….”No you listen you lumpy Sot.” Blaine interrupted. “I am the biggest brain in this business and after all the people I have insulted and lied to I have remained the richest clown on the continent.” “So shut up and get me another drink or I will run you out of town like I did that carnival.”

Soon Stormy and Red were deep in conversation.

Stormy we really need to be rid of Blaine. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Sure he will get rid of himself eventually but that won’t be soon enough for me. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I am not sure if we can call the carnival on him. He is such a nasty lying clown he cannot possibly be missed. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes he is drunk again and he is bipolar as far as I can tell. Look at him there. Such a sweet exterior but what a nasty person Blaine turned out to be. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Right, Craig’’s List again. We should see who we can find to get rid of Blaine as soon as we can. Maybe a clown hit man? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yeah there must be some. After all clowns like Blaine Awesome are hated all over the world. There has to be a remedy and I think a hit man will do the trick.

---

THE HIT on BLAIN AWESOME

When we last looked in on our dynamic duo they were being mercilessly annoyed by the crude and bi-polar Blain Awesome.  It had quickly become obvious that he had to go.  Carefully approaching the subject several times Red and Stormy had been mercilessly assaulted by Blaine’s ego and profanity laced tirades.  Little did he seem to understand that those around him had had their fill…

Mmff nnff oh grunf?

Stormy I really don’t know.

Mmff nnff oh grunf?

It’s true I usually do have ideas but I am stumped.

Mmff nnff oh grunf?

Stop it it’s really not your fault.

Mmff nnff oh grunf?

We have to do something.  We tried locking him out of the house, we tried tying his shoe laces together, we tried drugs, we tried insults, we tried calling the police, we tried having him committed, we tried oatmeal, we tried itchy powder in his boxers, we tried calling the circus, and we have tried everything.

Mmff nnff oh grunf?

Kill him?

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

Kill him.  Hum that seems like a good idea.  How do you propose we kill him?

Mmff nnff oh grunf?   Mmff nnff oh grunf.

An accident.  Doing what exactly?

Mmff nnff oh grunf.   Mmff nnff oh grunf?

Yes I have heard of Russian roulette.

Mmff nnff oh grunf?

Have I ever lost?  Why, I am standing here before you alive am I not!

Mmff nnff oh grunf?

I am beginning to think you are serious Stormy.

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

How do you propose we get him to play?

Mmff nnff oh grunf?  Mmff nnff oh grunf.  Mmff nnff oh grunf.  Mmff nnff oh grunf.  Mmff nnff oh grunf.

We do have a gun Barney left here after his interview.  Remember he had only one bullet anyway.

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

It’s in my bureau.  Should I get it?

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

Video camera?

Mmff nnff oh grunf.  Mmff nnff oh grunf.?

America’s Funniest Home Videos.  I get it, we have proof he shot himself.  Stormy you are the devil aren’t you.

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

Hard times call for drastic measures.  I will get them you get Blaine.

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

Yes here in 20 minutes!

Blaine had been wandering the garden trying to kill butterflies with his breath.  He had been chewing onions from the vegetable patch and was quite a dirty sight.

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

Stormy you want me to come in and join you and Red?  I was beginning to think you did not like me.

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

Sure I will brush my teeth and meet you in the study.  Damned butterflies anyway.  Don’t you just hate the way they look at you?

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

It was not long before Blain joined Red and Stormy in the study…

Blaine, Stormy and I were wondering if you had ever played Russian Roulette?

Red I have.  We used to play after the show when the clown car was packed in the garage and the other clowns had all gone to bed.  Sometimes we would play until the gun fired other times we would just play 10 go round.

10 go round?  What exactly is that Blaine?

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

Well you Stormy.  We would each take a spin and pull the trigger and after 10 turns we would quit for the night.

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

Yeah we lost a few but no one seemed to notice.  Why?  Are you guys going to play tonight?

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

Playing for money?  I think I want a piece of that you guys.

So the table was set Blaine was in!  Red loaded the old revolver with the only bullet Barney had.  He laid the pistol on the table and waited for Blaine to spin it.  The person it pointed at would be the first one to go.

Boys I have a better gun than that.  Let’s use my Colt 45 semiautomatic.

Mmff nnff oh grunf.  Mmff nnff oh grunf?

Stormy no it’s not that difficult.  Watch I will take out all but one round from the clip.

Mmff nnff oh grunf?

Who goes first?  If you are chicken then I guess I will.

Mmff nnff oh grunf?

Sure let’s video tape this.  Now here we go….

Well Stormy that was easy.

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

Yeah who would of thought he would be so stupid?

Mmff nnff oh grunf.

I am glad we have that on tape!  I just wish everyone knew just how stupid Blaine Awesome’s business is, er was.

Rid of the bipolar nuisance Stormy and Red were free to wander the country again in search of people who need heroes!  Be here next time for Last Taco in Paris!

---

LAST TACO IN PARIS

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes Stormy we are pathetic super heroes aren’t we. No one calling for our help, no damsels in distress, no calls from Michelle Obama, I haven’t heard from your mom in weeks. What is she up to anyway? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No I have never heard of the Death Star Ball. Is it like a Christmas or New Year’s thing? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I get the feeling she is seeing someone else. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Love? Yeah right. I can’t even get her to smile.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Do? What should we do? I don’t know Stormy maybe we can take a trip. Taste some exotic food maybe just get away for the holidays. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” France? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Why not! Let’s just do it. I think I can still use my credit card it’s been sitting around gathering dust. I can wait until next year to make a payment and maybe by then we’ll have a check in the mail. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” That would be good stormy. Pack your bags and let’s go.

Soon our heroes were off to France. The trip was making both feel much better and their blues were forgotten after a few in-flight beverages.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Stormy airport security is like that. They are not going to be nice to a person covered from head to toe in white plastic. You saw what they did to me. I am certain no X-ray or metal detector can penetrate my shield of shiny duck tape. So I volunteered for a full cavity search. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Of course she was gentle with me. Why do you think I was OK with it? You had some big gorilla manhandling you. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I could not help you Stormy I was tied up forever with that gorgeous security professional. My luck is already changing for the better Stormy. She even asked for my phone number when we were done. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes she will, I can tell when a lady is telling the truth. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” I think you will find a nice gal in Paris. After all you do sound French. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes you will. I bet that red haired stewardess passes you a note before we leave the plane. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Oh yes, she has been watching you Stormy.

Soon our dynamic duo was touring the sites in Paris. Stormy did end up with a number from the friendly stewardess and he was feeling fine. They wandered the streets saw the Louvre and had a great first day in the city of Paris.

Stormy, what would you like to have for dinner? “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Mexican food? In Paris? Are you daft? We are in the land of some of the best cuisine in the world. Think again, what would you like? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Mexican food, in Paris you want Mexican food. Alright then this should be an adventure. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Of course I am going to help you find it. Come on let’s have an adventure. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes it will be fun Stormy.

Soon they found themselves at Cucaracha on Rue Tiquetonne…

Stormy what a great idea, I am surprised we actually found a place in Paris to eat Tacos. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Tequila? Make it dos tequilas then!

Soon both of our heroes were pretty wasted.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes a cab would be appropriate for our current condition Stormy, hail a cab please. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” The Ritz of course. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Stormy it’s only money! “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” No I am not that drunk yet Stormy I have friends in Paris and when in Paris do as the Romans did or do. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Ok maybe I am a bit tipsy.

Suddenly they heard the driver curse, “Mein Gott!” Stormy I think the driver is not from these parts. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes, I think it would be prudent to worry just a little. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Of course I have a weapon, that’s why I brought you. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” No don’t do anything yet let’s see what kind of diabolical plan the driver has for us.

Soon they discovered the driver was not taking them to the Ritz. Instead they raced through dark alleys and around monuments to French heroes scattered around the city. Often cursing in German the driver yelled at the other drivers out the window, “sich beeilen”, “verdammt”, “wo hast du deine lizenz”, “mir aus dem weg” and many more epithets unprintable! The dynamic duo was fast asleep, passed out from the many shots of tequila they had drunk. The car came to a bone jarring stop in front of a fortress made of stone and were awakened and shuffled inside.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes Stormy how have you been?

Mrs. President I am surprised too. What are you doing in France?

Red that’s information on a need to know only basis and you are not in the circle. Please excuse us while I speak with Stormy far a few minutes. “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Yes please tea would be nice. Ok, I know I will fetch tea. But please no more cavity searches by your secret service team.

“Mmff Mmff Mmff Mmff Mmff Mmff?” Stormy it was not funny. The waterboarding was too much.

“Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha,” Red the look on your face was priceless.

Mrs. President I am seriously hurt by your lack of sympathy.

Red, please leave, or we will have a repeat of our last meeting.

That was all I took to motivate Red to leave the room.

Stormy do you remember our discussion on the phone last week about the Benz conspiracy? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes that’s right we still suspect that Toyota was a victim of a diabolical plot by a German auto maker. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Your cabby was German? Oh Stormy we could be in jeopardy at this very moment. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” You placed a tracker in the cab? What a great piece of detective work. Does Red know?

Little did they know that Red had returned with tea. “Does Red know what Mrs. President?”

Swiftly the Secret Service detail dragged Red from the room and he found himself being water boarded again, as Michelle and Stormy continued their discussion over tea.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Let’s have a look at your driver’s current location and see where he has gone.

Stormy what are all these images of? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Which one is the cab? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” The others are the stewardesses you met on the plane? But where did you put…er…oh never mind don’t answer that question. Let’s focus on the whereabouts of the cab. You evil darling boy. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes Stormy, we will need Red now he is expendable.

Red I am always so surprised at how shiny that bubble bath used in the waterboarding makes you look.

Thanks Mrs. President I appreciate the complement are we on for the mission? Has Stormy quoted you a price for this assignment?

Red we have already agreed on our usual fee.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Stormy it is not tacky to ask about payment. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Oh shut up and tell me the plan.

“Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Tracking device? When did you slip that into the cab? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Oh it actually fell out of your pocket while you were passed out in the backseat. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” German accent, why yes I realize the cabby was a bit out of place.

As usual gentlemen I will leave you to figure out what is going on, I have a reception to meet O’bama at tonight at with President Nicolas and Carla. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Oh Stormy your French is impeccable. I wish I could bring you with me for the party. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Oh stop it you flirt and go catch the bad guys!

Thank you for your confidence Mrs President.

The pair soon found themselves walking down the winding roads out of the villa.

Stormy why are we walking? Is this part of your plan? To get us run over by some wine sipping local with a heavy foot? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” A cab? Call for one damn it! “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Waite a minute did you track down the same cab? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” How did you do it? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” That was your cell phone you lost in the backseat? Do you really think he will answer it when I call? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.”

Soon the cabby returned to pick up the exhausted couple of crime fighters.

Stormy what is that awful smell? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Excuse you. Do you mean to tell me you are cutting the cheese breaking wind while I have to endure the odor? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” No I did not fart too. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Do it anyway? Why? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Roll up the windows?

Soon the driver was knocked unconscious by the air bending duo.

I think he’s dead Stormy. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes dead as in not alive. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” We better cu our losses. Has the wire transfer reached our bank account yet? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Ok, your bank account? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Need to know? Stormy I have half a mind to put out your other eye! “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Yes we better go to the airpaort and get oyt of France quickly. Without this witness I don’t think we can catch the gang responsible for the Benz plot. I think we have had out last Taco in Paris for a while…

Stormy Meets Lil´ Blowhard and the Bi-Polar Bears

We find our dynamic duo resting at home after an ugly but profitable trip to Paris.

Stormy I think I am going to fly to Rio. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” Very funny wise guy, I know there’s really no other way to go there. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Stay here? No I don’t mind if you stay here if you don’t want to go. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” The stewardesses from that trip to Paris are still calling and dropping by. I guess you will not be without company. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” Getting serious? Which one? The redhead? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” Of course I like her but I like my freedom better. Since your mom left me I have been in a blue funk. I think a trip to Rio will be the boost my spirit needs. “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” I will be careful thank you. My flight is tomorrow morning.

Breakfast for Stormy was quiet and he had very little to occupy his mind as he sat over a bowl of Crunchy Clones. He had dropped Red off at the airport for the flight to Brazil now the house was empty; all his, but empty. So he thought about the week ahead. He had plenty of options to occupy his time. There was a KISS concert that evening. He knew Red was friends with some of the guitar players in many of the bands after his long stint with Sha Na Na so getting backstage would be easy. His guitar had new strings on it and was sounding sweet these days. Maybe he could jam with the guys and have a good start to his week. It was Monday and he was ready to rock. Stormy scored tickets online and was dressed to the nines for the show. There was no way he was going to be a wallflower tonight.

The music was playing so loud he was glad he had a helmet on! Then he smelled something, a perfume in the air around him. It was beckoned him, a mystical call wafting through the air disguised as a cloud of smoke enveloping him. He had been standing so close to the source he was soon engulfed by the alluring fragrance. He turned around and saw the last thing he would ever remember from that night for the rest of his life.

He woke up the next morning in a car and the car was stuck in the roof of Red’s house. What happened? Who could possibly back a car into a roof? He was not sure, but a ladder was left for him to climb down. How did the ladder get there? He had lost all recollection of what had gone on the night before. He could hear music coming from inside the house. His head was numb and he was ravenous. His good eye itched and his mouth was like a dry desert gully with sagebrush growing in it. Who was playing the stereo? He climbed down the ladder and stumbled thru the open door. A strange scene nearly surreal in his den made him shake his head as he tried to grasp the reality of what he was seeing. Two large white bears were dancing in the house, gliding from room to room in time to a waltz emitting from the stereo system. Time seemed to stand still, the room began to spin and Stormy was sure he had entered the, Twilight Zone. Then to his relief he heard, “Excuse me do you live here?” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” I am sure you are not speaking English. Are you? “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf!” A frustrated Stormy replied. Grabbing paper and a pen he wished Red was there to help. Stormy wrote, “I live here. Who are you and what are you doing in my house?” The stranger replied, “I am Thaddeus Horace Blaouard the third, but you can call me Lil’ Blowhard.” “These two charming youngsters are Tawine and Skinny. They are quite harmless.” “As you may recall we met up after the concert at Los Lobos the bar around the corner from the stadium.” “I don’t know where you met the bears but they were hanging out with you all night.” “Mmff nnff oh grunf?” “Yes with you. I have never seen them before. You told me they are bipolar bears one from the North and the other from the South.” Whatever that means””

Stormy still had a week to figure this mess out before Red returned from Brazil, after all it was just Monday. So he did what any healthy normal hung over strung out trooper with polar bears in his house would do. He grabbed a bag of Oreos and a glass of milk and headed for his room to catch some sleep.

Stay tuned next time when the Bipolar Bears show their true colors!

Red Grease - a Week in Brazil

The flight to Rio had been especially kind to our ever vigilant crime fighter. Red had a relaxing carefree journey and upon landing, disembarked with the rest of the passengers. He went on to retrieve his luggage humming a tune by Iron Butterfly, “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”, as he made his way to the international arrivals exit. Except for a few curious looks and some probes by the immigration police, he actually went through customs pretty quickly. About half way through the drum solo he was humming, he froze. There before him stood a limo driver with a sign bearing Shiny Ducktapeman’s name. He almost missed it, because it was his birth name, not his assumed crime fighter identity. He had actually begun calling himself Red Grease before the band Sha Na Na broke up. His role as one of the a cappella backup singers was short lived. His aggressive ingestion of the brown acid at Woodstock, followed by the extreme gamma radiation treatments administered to him by the CIA, had rendered him hideously deformed and unable to carry a tune. He was not walking anymore, and people streamed around him on their way to destinations unknown to Red. The limo driver looked uneasy to Red, as he craned his neck in order to see around and thru the flowing crowd of travelers.

Who was Reginald T. Blaouard? The question echoed in his brain. Who was he really? Reaching way back into his past Red remained standing, slack-jawed and immobilized. Swirling, twirling hallucinogenic images of a care free mercurochrome headed gangly youth appeared before his mind’s eye. Jingle jangly Hare Krishna chanting Red, naked streaking across campus Red, wedgy suffering bullied high school Red, hot for teacher grade school Red, preschool sandbox scooping cat poop eating Red, post-natal squishy purple Red and pre-natal nose picking Red. Flashing swiftly thru his mind, maybe a heartbeat had passed, maybe a year had passed and maybe his chance for a free ride had passed! Snapping out of this trance he approached the limo driver and spoke the name he never thought he would hear again; I am Reginald T. Blaouard. The driver appeared stunned and as he stared at Red. He then began seeing and hearing sights in his mind’s eye. Recognizing the flashback about to occur before him Red slapped the driver across the face, to bring him back to the present.

OUCH, why you do that mine?

“Excuse me?” replied Red.

OUCH, why you do that, mine?

“I am sorry, but will I need the services of a translator?” Red was nonplussed.

No sir. OUCH is a word in response to a pain or injury. Why do you do that, mine, means why did you do that, mine?!

Red was even more confused now. This man was speaking in code. His mind raced through the responses he had memorized while under the gamma radiation treatments at Langley. He selected:

The weather is nice.

Can I take your bag, mine?

I will require daisies.

We can stop on the way, mine.

The driver who was now staring at Red pulled out his cell phone. “Acho que este homem está louco. Eu estava olhando para ele vir para mim no aeroporto, quando ele parou de andar. Ele ficou em um lugar por trinta minutos e seus olhos estavam abertos. Acenei meu sinalpara ele e ele não se mexeu. Tenho certeza que ele é louco. Ele me deu um tapa. Você nem me bater querida. Vou chamá-lo de voltadepois de pegar a Estrada.”

The name Lou Co struck a chord with Red, and he was now certain that this web of intrigue now included his code name, Lou Co. His training at CIA headquarters included an unbreakable code based upon the Bud Abbot and Lou Costello skit about baseball. It was now clear to him he would be referred to as Lou Co while in country. As he got comfortable in the back of the limo, he began to recite the Abbot and Costello lines he knew so well. The driver was attentive and his eyes in the rearview mirror gave nothing away to Red.

Is that Baisaball you say, mine?

I don’t know; third base.

Louco, I am think you, mine.

Red was impressed by the steel in this driver’s eyes. Even though they were certainly heading into harm’s way he remained steady and sure of his task. The driver returned to his cell phone: “Ele é louco, eu tenho certeza que ele é louco agora. Ele foi falando besteira e dizendo coisas malucas sobre beisebol. Acho que vou ter que deixá-lo em algum lugar onde ele não vai colocar as pessoas em perigo. Vou chamá-lo quando eu encontrar um lugar para deixá-lo.Vou chamá-lo novamente em breve, espero.”

Yes, Lou Co, I am Lou Co, driver.

I know, mine, I know. We will be driving through a really nice place by the sea in a few minutes. I think you should get out and enjoy the view of the sea.

I see, Abbot. Yes I will get out and take in the view as you suggest. I am guessing the pickup will be done by submarine. Yes, Abbot you have done well.

The driver began to sweat as he realized his rider had now begun referring to him as some kind of holy man, an abbot, a monk. So, he headed for the beach saying a prayer under his breath, a prayer that somehow he would survive.

Who was this abbot? Why was he being referred to as a monk? Surely the shiny man was crazy.

Now Abbot, as I exit the car it is important to make it appear as if I am being pursued by you. Here is my throw down gun. Make sure to fire it at me as I run towards the sea. This will act as a signal to the submarine to surface and take me aboard. I will wrap this towel around my head so I appear to be Middle Eastern. This disguise is well known to our CIA brethern. You have done well, Abbot. I will not soon forget you.

Now the driver was certain this passenger was mad. Holding a small pistol he was now wondering if he should call the police and get rid of the crazy man. Then the cell phone in his lap rang. “Olá. Sim, eu estou agora na praia e estou com medo deste homemlouco. Ele deu-me uma pistola e pediu-me para disparar contra ele enquanto ele corre para a praia. Acho que ele quer um submarinopara pegá-lo agora. Eu nunca terá uma tarifa como essa novamente.Vou atirar-lhe se ele olha para mim ter certeza que ele vai embora.Vou tentar não machucá-lo. Vou tentar não matá-lo, talvez.”

Below the waves, and off the shore of this tropical paradise, the top secret Jihadist weapon رمى لي طوق النجاة, was stationed temporarily. The captain was leering at the scantily clad Brazilian girls on the beach. He was not due to pick up his even more secret passenger for a few hours a little farther up the coast. In his eyepiece he caught sight of something so absurd that it had to be a signal. A turban wearing shiny man was running towards the sea. Behind him a man was firing at the runner. Surely this must be a call to him for action. He surfaced his ship and immediately returned fire on the hapless limo driver. The antiaircraft gun made fiery mincemeat out of the limo.

Red lifted his arms in triumph as he waded out to the sub. He was now certain there was a purpose to his life. The limo driver began running up the highway to put as much distance between himself and the insanity this crazy man had rained down on him.

Somewhere in the sky a satellite transmitted the image of our hero boarding the Jihadist submarine. Somewhere in Washington, DC the president was informed that Michelle had been consorting with a recently discovered Jihadist operative. Somewhere Stormy’s phone ringing cut through his hung-over skull like so much I can’t believe it’s not butter. Somewhere sanity had taken a holiday and surely ruin would prevail. Somewhere Red was telling the Abbot and Costello baseball comedy skit to Jihadists that were now certain this agent of destruction was the second coming of the mother of all agents. “Somewhere a broom is drearily sweeping up the broken pieces of yesterday’s life. Somewhere a queen is weeping, somewhere a king has no wife…and the wind cries Mary.” (Jimi Hendrix – The Wind Cries Mary)

Join us next time for, “The Hunt for Red رمى لي طوق النجاة”