Geeks go to War

Interview : Chris Watson

In recent weeks I have been asked for Network Engineers to provide their skills in theatre in Iraq and Afghanistan. I was so surprised that anyone would even ask me to send CCIEs into harm’s way! I mean people are getting shot at over in those places. As an agent for so many CCIEs and Network Engineers I have learned that it is important to give them first hand details of what they are stepping into so they know what to expect. So I donned a flak jacket, actually two of them, er well I did wrap one around each leg as well and then draped them over my arms…

As I approached the day of my first interview in Afghanistan I was draped by so many layers of armor I looked like a bizarre crazed burka wearing apparition from a science fiction movie. It was a bit uncomfortable and I could not bend my arms but this story is not about me it’s about a real civilian hero who has braved SUVs and IUDs win the war and bring the eBay to tanks and ships in Afghanistan. So I was armed with a laptop but no one would give me a damned weapon. Hell I used to shoot cans in Texas and I even shot a deer once by accident and a hunting dog’s tail off once but I digress.

I was protected from the flying pellets and exploding IUDs by my new friend and body guard Chris Watson. He is a seasoned civilian war geek who has been protecting routers and switches from the enemy for the past ten years in country. Since I was always hiding behind him I figured I would ask him a few questions.

Q: Chris was that an explosion or did I just rip a bad one?

A: You must have been eating at the BBQ shack!

Q: No man that was not a real question let’s try again. Have I been shot at since I have been here behind you?

A: It’s quiet here at Bagram – we only get mortared once a month or so. I like to joke that Hajji doesn’t play Battleship too well; when I was in Iraq they put a rocket into B-13 when I was sleeping in A-12. Of course, I was also interviewing for a job that would have had me, and interrogator and van somewhere out there . I lost the job when I asked if I was supposed to supply the ShamWow!

Q: I think I pissed off a couple of the guys at the gate when I started crying. Do you think they will hold it against me?

A: No, I think they thought you were a TCN [Third Country National] who lost his goat.

Q: Since I have been here I have been treated badly do people know I am a journalist?

A: Like I said, they think you’re a TCN who lost his goat.

Q: When did you first arrive here in Afghanistan?

A: Three weeks ago but I’ve worked in Haiti and Iraq previously; not much is different except the weather. The place is fracking cold!

Q: What kind of weapons do you use to protect the Cisco gear? I mean Cisco Brand Protection must send you something to help protect all this stuff right?

A: For the most part, geeks plus weapons just don’t ring right in the ears of the Army. My own perspective is that unless I’m flying around, I’d just rather not have one since you can never, ever let it out of reach. If you can find the Cisco rep for Afghanistan, send him over my way so I beg for some warm swag!

Q: Since you are not a CCIE yet do they give you less body armor than a CCIE? Are the Tents better for CCIEs?

A: We all get the same body armor as everyone else; you know, some of the CCIE’s I’ve met over the last 17 years in my career seem to be real prima donnas and would demand more body armor (“What no ass protector, how am I supposed to do my job?”) but the CCIE’s and Senior Network folks here are, for the most part, very cool and down to earth. Oh, and the tents? Well, *no one* wants to stay in the circus tents for too long - the big deal here is getting your own shipping container!

Q: I know some of these questions might take us into confidential areas so please feel free to do time if you divulge anything to me you shouldn’t and if I make you look bad writing about it. How do IUDs explode in SUVs?

A: Depends, did you hang a sign on it that said ‘If this SUV is rockin’ don’t bother knockin’?’ or I heard a story about a Demo guy over in the Special Forces compound….

Q: Have you had any contact with IUDs since you have been here? When did Birth control devices start getting used as weapons?

A: Recently a general outlawed getting pregnant here, so the birth control thing has just gotten out of hand. I hear they are developing special sensors for them.

Q: Can I ask the next questions from under that tank?

A: Umm, they still think you’re a TCN, so I wouldn’t advise it.

Q: Do you know any CCIEs who are over here?

A: There are a few.

Q: Can I talk to them instead?

A: Well, I do have to talk to them about one of my SIPR connection so I suppose I can take you there… but the last time they demanded a human sacrifice. Wait a minute – you look like a TCN!

Q: Sometimes you probably have to pee like I just did. I bet you couldn’t tell I just wet myself. So if you have to go where do you go, behind a sand dune or rock or maybe in your bunk?

A: Trust me, at 0100, the ‘midnight run’ to that row of tiny blue plastic shacks can be an eye opening experience – especially in this cold!

Q: How about showers? Do you take a sand bath like the birds do? Hell it’s so hot here I cannot imagine you go more than three hours without a shower right?

A: That two story building over there has showers up top and semi-warm toilets below. The Army is trying to ‘go green’ and use the shower water to flush. Hot? Where are you from, Alaska? It gets hot here in the summer – with temps as high as 110 – so feel free to come back then and experience it for yourself.

Q: I am really fascinated by the new technology in use in the war. Do you sell band width to the locals so they can put stuff on eBay?

A: No, they make us pay ridiculous prices for satellite internet (PPoE links!) and then use OpenDNS to block out ‘offensive’ material. I think a chick in a Burqa is interesting but when that’s all you can see…

Q: When did the war finally bring the internet to the Afghans? Is this like top secret information?

A: Serious answer: Knowledge is power and I think USAID has a long-term plan to bring satellite Internet to the villages. This has been done as part of education programs all over the Third World and is a huge success in combating poverty and ignorance. Truthfully, I think we as a networking community ought to do more to make the Internet and knowledge more accessible to even the most remote villages. If your readers are interested perhaps we as a community should look into how we can make this happen.

Q: Sorry, I was not paying attention to your last response I think someone is shooting at me. Did you ever have to throw yourself on a grenade to protect your friends? Would you do it for me if I need you to?

A: Are you sure you’re not a TCN?

Q: What could possibly make you want to earn money in this God forsaken part of the world?

A: Fame, fortune, travel, and international intrigue as well as the occasional opportunity to watch something go ‘BOOM!’. Okay, that and the every Friday Night Crabs, Steak, and Shrimp extravaganza.

Q: Like many future CCIEs you have probably been keeping track of the mobile lab. I know the guy who runs it and if you want I can ask if he will come out here to let you sit the CCIE lab. If I do will you pay me a lot of money?

A: I’m in enough trouble with Cisco equipment in my home; Household Six [his wife]has already told me that I’ve spent more than enough money on racks and equipment that are ‘sitting idle’ while I am here so I’d rather not have to deal with that again!

Q: So as an important Geek do you have like the cool shifts? Like four hours on 20 hours off so you can go to the movies or eat mystery meat from the sidewalk vendors?

A: I work nights because that’s when the more…interesting…things happen. Unfortunately, I am not at liberty to discuss this with a TCN.

Q: Is it true that you get like a bazillion dollars an hour as a civilian contractor out here?

A: Like I said, ‘Welcome to Wal-Mart, may I help you, today?’

Q: Has the real estate market hurt your investment in the tent you share with the six other guys who tried to beat me up for peeing in the corner?

A: Dude, I just had to explain that you just came from the village, are looking for your goat, and that I’m taking you back to the gate!

Q: Do they know it was an accident?

A: Let’s just get the **** out of here before they figure out where you are REALLY from!

Q: With the new technologies you have had a chance to play with do you find they are critical to the success of soldiers outside the wire?

A: Absolutely, if you wiki ‘Task Force ODIN’ and ‘LandWarrior’ and Google ‘ISR’ you can get an idea of what things we’re doing here. I like to joke that SKYNET’s grandfather is going to be developed here someday and have warned my family to watch out if someone comes to the door and they dog goes absolutely nuts.

Q: If I hitchhike out of here which way takes me to friendly territory?

A: You’re a TCN, you’ll do fine if you head south.

Q: Do you think the problem with exploding IUDs is why the local women look so mad all the time?

A: I can’t see their faces behind the burqa, so they all looked pissed off to me!

Q: Do you read the CCIE Flyer?

A: I like the centerfold!

Q: Do you like it?

A: I like the centerfold!

Eman

BIO:
My new friend Chris is a serious guy doing serious work to bring the war to a conclusion while ensuring the troops have the full use of new age weapons I can hardly begin to understand. I wold like to clearly state that our attempt at humor is not meant to in anyway deride the suffering and bloodshed or the true sacrifices being made for the war. Instead we are trying to bring a smile to a few very deserving folks who make freedom more than a word.

In his words:

I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but the geek's life here is actually pretty boring; 12 hour shifts, 7 days a week, extreme boredom followed by periods of 'oh crap - do it now!' and living conditions that you'd be arrested for if your dog lived the same way. (Okay, maybe not *that* bad but living with 7 other guys and walking a 1/4 mile in 30 degree weather - or colder - to use the shower or the bathroom can be a very rude shock to get over)

The pay? Well, it *sounds* good - until you break it down to 24 hrs, 7 days a week which is, in reality, what you're being paid. (Whoever heard of being in networking and *not* being on call at some point?) The truth is that of you're here for the money, you're going to flame out pretty quickly; you have to have some other motivation to keep you going. My own is that I get to do some very cool things that I wouldn't get to do anywhere else.

What makes this stressful is the knowledge that depending on where and what you're doing it literally means life and death for someone outside the wire; I'm involved in ISR work and we're basically hunting down and capturing and killing bad guys, so a fully functional network infrastructure is the backbone to ensuring that the mission is carried out. The wiki says more than I am allowed to so I'll defer to it beyond that point.

I have a wife and 4 kids back home (15, 13, 13, and 11) who are okay with me being downrange now that they know I don't (usually) go outside the wire. Bagram is just remote - like being on the moon remote - with two ways into the valley or by air; the north head sinto the Hindu Kush and China and the south is a long convoy from Kabul or by air. Needless to say, I don't recommend either of the rides since they go through where the Bad Guys are.

Overall, I have to say that it's good, honorable, and solid work and I'm proud of what I do here and so are the other folks on our team. We are 'standing in the gap' and providing a technical expertise and institutional memory that the military just doesn't have now.